It's not about the money...

Often we work for the money, not the love. Over the years I have come to realise that it isn't about the money, it's about joy, happiness, satisfaction and the feeling that we are doing something "worth while". The first job that I had when I graduated from university was as a teacher at a learning centre, called TBG Learning. I have to say that it was possibly the best job I have ever had because the people I worked with were fantastic. When I made the decision to leave TBG I didn't realise just how much of a family unit I was leaving behind. At TBG we were a crew, a bunch of low paid, like minded teachers who like to have a laugh. Although I enjoyed the job because I loved my students, my friends kept me going, through the tough times, both at work and in my personal life.
We all had our different personalities but as we came together we were one in terms of friendship. There was Steve, often jokingly referred to as my Godfather as he looked after me, and the rest of the crew, kind of our leader (in work and outside!) and very passionate about teaching. Lucilia, the Portugese sexy mama who loved a gossip over a nice cool glass of Rose. Parimal, my enemy at work, my best friend outside, we loved to wind eachother up, but had (and still do) such a good vibe when around eachother. Saheka, cute in so many ways, looks, heart and care, she was the listener, she let me chew off her ears with all my problems, and still managed to look cute. Lucky, the one with the bum, lol...I am sure me and Lucila used to perve on him a bit, lol...but such a dedicated partner and father, who loved his partner and family as much as he loved dark alley ways!!! Brian, a mysterious guy that was secrective, but so good at salsa and dancing (he kept that a secret too, only to be discovered at the Christmas party) and there was David, great, intelligent guy, who occasionally made a visit to the pub with us. Finally there was me, the baby of the crew who was new to the game fresh out of university with so much admiration for my friends and love, work just wasn't work with them around. Unfortunately, me being me, I made the wrong choice yet again and decided to leave TBG, only to later realise that I missed my friends. They knew me, they loved to do the things that I did, and we had fun together, laughed together, and when we lost someone who was so special to us all, we cried together. Now I realise. We were all happy together.
So forget the joys of making money the hard way by slaving away next to some competitive hound who only wants to stamp on your foot any opportunity they get...work with people who support you, through the good and bad times, who make your day go quickly and are ready to have a good time after work. People that help you forget what a fool of yourself you made the night before, and remember the good times you have had as a unit. A team. A family.
Lots of hugs xoxo

New country new currency

Sudan has officially become two countries, and as a result we have a new currency. I am not one of those in support of the separation, but regardless of my political views I am happy that Sudan is working peacefully to build up two new states...so maybrook (congrats) to my beautiful country, new currency, fresh start...I love my people and land, and I love our funky new money too...
Lots of hugs xoxo

It just doesn't get any easier...

Last night I received some bad news...somebody I care about lost a parent...it got me thinking about life. Isn't it funny that when we are young we think that life will get easier when we get older, and when we get older we remember the "good old days" from when we were young. In most cases (at least in my own) sometimes we delude ourselves to think that life was better when we were young,but I don't think it was,we just live trying to believe that, trying to make ourselves feel better about what has become of us. I mean I for one was a bit of a troubled teenager, all of those hormones flying around, and having to deal with school life,home life and all of those spots (which I still bloody have). Let us be completely honest here,we are never ever satisfied with what we have. NEVER. People may praise us for our achievements and may remind us that we "have done so well in life" but we can't see past the things that we didn't do. The dreams we had,but try to forget...For example,people always tell me that I should be proud of myself, I have been to a few countries,graduated from uni, worked abroad etc etc...but in truth when I hear people saying that,I feel good for like 5 minutes and then I regret the things that I haven't done, or the things that I have that I have lived to regret. I just want state that regret is easily dealt with if we just acknowledge our wrongs and then move on (although I can never forget that I could have been the next Vanessa Mae if I only kept up those violin lessons!) Yes, as negative as this sounds, life will always be tough...and as ungrateful as it sounds, we will never be happy with what we have. I mean our achievements they are all relevant to where we come from and the struggles we have faced. Like me,people are only proud of me because I came from a dysfunctional family and I hate to say it, but a broken home...yes, if I was the average Jane they would be super peed that my life has become what it has today (my family would have been proud if I tested the taste of dog food as long as I worked!). So it is all relevant to our personal struggle. So, now I believe that no matter how close we are to touching those stars, we have to be proud of who we are, and the choices we have made in life, because if we can't be proud of ourselves then we can't expect anyone else to be...kind of gone slightly off track!!!
So...back to the main topic of today...life never gets easier or harder,we simply become less/more efficient at being able to handle our problems...I battle with myself all of the time...I keep thinking GROW UP...I am not a little girl anymore, I can't let my problems eat away at me,and destroy everything that I have built up...
And so in Jerry Springer style,my "thought for the day" is this...life is what we make it,it is hard if we let it tear us apart...it is easy if we appreciate what we have...and we are only surviving if we are simply in between...
On that note, I am going to pat myself on the back (patting) and say that I am proud of myself (it feels good,make sure you have a good pat)...and that I want to live,not survive...and so, I will take everyday as it comes, and learn to live a little, you know let my hair down and have some FUN...(responsibly of course)...
To that special person that I hope will get through the recent pain...there is hope,and there is light...and I wish that God makes life easier for you in the coming days, inshallah...but as difficult as death is,it is just like life, what we make it...
lots of hugs xoxo

Sudan becomes Westernized...Being Westernese!!!

Trying to be Sudanese

Zabdee

Westernese...it is a term created (accidentally) by my boy Zabdee...it means to be westernized and Sudanese.I have put his picture up so he can claim his fame!
Ofcourse Sudan is probably most known for it's civil wars, genocide in Darfur, and most recently the separation. There is much more to Sudan. Anyone who has ever been there can me support me. Sudan is not what we see on the tv, it is a land of consumption, it has consumed me. I am not saying this because I am half Sudanese (although it helps me apppreciate Sudan that bit more) I am saying it because it is true. Unfortunately Sudan is slower than most and is trailing slowly behind other countries in terms of westernization (I'm pretty sure I just made that up). It is a place of habit, and tradition, making it all the more beautiful. If I have to be honest, Sudan isn't the cleanest, or most exciting of places, but the people make up for all of that. The people of Sudan (and I'm not talking about the new independent Sudan, I am talking about the true Sudan, north and south as one) are amazing, and although different tribes have different cultures and traditions, one thing that all Sudanese people share is hospitality. They are over generous. The kindest people I have ever met! There are also the richer people of Sudan who have never taken a ride on a bus, or been anywhere outside of the posh areas, such as Amarat or Riyad. Super sad. I have taught people who live in a huge bubble and have never seen the real Sudan even though they live there...they live in a Sudan somewhere outside of Africa, and then they have the nerve to call themselves Sudanese!!!
Ok so Sudan isn't very modern, but that's what makes it what it is. It is because of the culture and tradition that people love Sudan. Like all places there are some downfalls to living in Sudan, like having to cover up in the baking sun, or having to cover your hair (at times)- trying to find a scarf to match an outfit can be extremely hard, Jemma on the other hand seems to have mastered this. I haven't. Which leads me to my westerenese topic. I believe it is hard to be both westernized and Sudanese. Like all things it is possible to an extent, but mostly it is tough. Growing up in a secular society to a Sudanese father and English mother has proven difficult over the years. My parents often disagreed on matters involving our upbringing, my mother trying to encourage me to date and my father threatening to 'cut my head off' (his words) if I looked at boys. So I have come to a point where I have decided that you will always be more of one than the other. Like me, I'm so proud of being Sudanese, and have always prided myself on being able to cook Sudanese foods and know about the culture, but in truth I know nothing. I have not an ounce of knowledge compared to Sudanese girls born in Sudan. There are also other contributing factors like the fact that Sudanese people completely dive head on into religion (I'm so not Sudanese in that sense) and take religion very very seriously. I always say maybe tomorrow, or when I get married- not anytime soon then I guess!
My friend Zabdee and I decided it would be hard for a Westernese, who is more western to marry a Sudanese as the cultures clash greatly. I hate to sound superficial but for me I love music, going to the cinema, having a pub meal (2 for 6 quid at the wetherspoon) and doing other things considered 'haram'- forbidden, in Islam. Yes, I hate to say it but my British side takes over in that sense.
I am not trying to generalise, but the majority of Sudanese men would prefer a wife that is 'pure' in every sense of the word- again counts me out!! They want a wife that is house proud- I clean as little as possible. Who is prepared to stay home with the kids- I love my job, and who is prepared to submit fully to their husband- I am too independent for submission. Living in England makes us strive for independence, 'girl power' that kind of thing. To be honest, at times I feel sorry for the female university students I teach. I once asked my class to debate about whether it is ok for men to hit their wives. I was sure it would be a boy v girl kind of debate. I was shocked to see some of the girls saying that they think its ok, as long as they were in the wrong. I tried not to be too shocked as belief is belief, but I wanted to slap them!!! I was like, so if my husband gets home from work late can I throw his dinner at him? They all looked at me totally shocked, 'teacher, women can't hit men!' My response was 'why not?', their answer was 'because women have to be quiet'- WHAT! I couldn't express what I was really thinking, but in my mind I was screaming, if a guy hits me, and he isn't my brother or my dad, I don't care, husband or not, it is ON...I'll get the rolling pin out if I have to!!! (Done it before works a treat and they never expect you to use it!)
So I am on the prowl for a westernese husband, more western than Sudanese, who can accept that I can only cook 4 Sudanese dishes, and know a limited amount of Arabic...he also needs to be aware of the fact that I like my hair and have a tattoo...amongst all of that he needs to know that I love a good boogie to some old skool jams...ok that officially means I am not going to meet a man remotely Sudanese... Lots of hugs xoxo

Friendship pulls us through everytime

I have recently come to the conclusion that friendship is more important than love, family and everything else. I mean you can live without family, but what kind of life can we ever have without friends? Without going into too much detail, let me just say that in the toughest, most cruical points in my life the people that have saved me from the depths of depression have been friends. Friends I have known and grown with over years, friends who know my deepest darkest secrets and yet still refuse to judge me. Friends whom have shown me unconditional love without reason.
I have also decided that each friend has a different purpose, for example if I need advice on life I turn to my boy Zabdee, who always bails me out of trouble and who is there for me no matter what. If I want to have a good night on the town, I call Dionne, my best friend since I was 5 years old, and who never let's distance come between us. If I want relationship advice I turn to my fresa Nadia, a real advice giver, and who loves to keep in touch, regardless of what obsticles get in our way, she never fails to be around. If I want to pack a bag and go travelling, then surely I'll call Jemma, so carefree and up for a good old backpack, it doesn't matter where, Jemma is sure to be up for a good cultural experience. If I want to take a walk down memory lane and remember what a rebel I was at times, Kirsty is needed, my cockney friend who has watched me go from good to bad and back to good again!!! If I need to know more about Sudan and know more Arabic then I'm sure that Amani is at hand, a little hankoosha (snobbish) but real in so many other ways. There are so many more people I could mention that I love too, but these are just a few...but I must thank Ade for being here for me when I really needed a friend, he is that friend that knows everything about you, and you wish didn't have to lose.
So in all of this where is family??? Well of course without them we wouldn't even be here, but how much of our lives do they contribute to when we grow apart from them, often disappointing them, and causing them pain in return of my more pain. They say that it is the people who love you that seem to hurt you the most, that is so true, like it kills when someone you love leaves you. It feels like your heart passes it's expiration date, and so it is void to fresh feelings of love. Ofcourse that isn't true. There will be more people we will love, never in the same way ofcourse, but we can still fill just parts of the void. Yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of my father's death, and as cliche as it will sound, time has flown by...and I still never forget. My dad kept our family together, he was like the PVA glue in our paper mache, and without him it just became a huge mess. So when family couldn't paste things back together again, that's when the friends stepped in and took charge. So I'm dedicating this to all the people I love, the friends I now choose to be my family. You all know who you are, and my new mum who has decided to adopt me at such a late stage in my life, lol, and will soon try to get rid of me...my love to all my friends, thank you so much for making me so strong and complete...lots of hugs xoxo

Beautifully written, TIGER HILLS is a must!!!

I have read a number of books in my years, ok, I have read tons of books in my socially lacking life, everything you can think of from old people's author Danielle Steel to black power writer; Alex Haley. Yes, in my love of books I have no predjudice of genre, I simply love a good read. Admittedly I prefer to read books I can either relate to, or that I know are true, but recently (after reading and watching The Kite Runner) I have a new found love of fictional stories set in far away lands I am yet to travel to.
Tiger Hills is set in a place called Coorg (most people, like myself probably don't know where that is, it's in India) in 1878...the book follows 2 best friends who are brought together in tragic circumstances and torn part through a great act of betrayal. I don't want to give too much away, but put it this way, this booking is shocking...the worst thing about the book is that it gets a little boring after the main events occur and drags a little, but it picks itself back up later and redeems itself. Be sure that you will be surprised by this book, I myself was almost in tears at one point, utterly disappointed that a character I had fallen in love with could commit an act so ungodly...how I would love to reveal what happened so you could understand my love for this book!
This book is also (like all books) educational, in the sense that it let's you know Indian traditions, which I believe are truly beautiful, and Hindu religious beliefs, which I knew very little about.
Unfortunately I have now finished reading this book, and now I am onto my next conquest, The Wasted Vigil, which I am hoping lives up to Tiger Hills as I am still on a buzz from it...so you may be reading this and thinking, unlike you, I have a vibrant social life and have better things to do with my time then read some fictional piece of work written in India, but take my advice, if you like to read about love, death, family, religion or so much more then read this book...I so love it, and I'm sure you will too!!! Lots of hugs xoxo

Fighting with fizzy drinks and cuddling up to chocolate!!!

Like most women I am TRYING to eat healthy and get in SOME form of exercise, yes exercise! For those of you who know me, or simply have seen me, it is evident that myself and exercise are not the best of friends. Over the past year and a half, since moving to Sudan I have gained a lot of weight, weight. I was already desperate to lose, not gain! I am not making excuses, but in a country like Sudan it is super hard not to gain weight when everything is super sweet, and when it is so hot only a fizzy drink will do, it is hard to do the 'right thing' and resist. For those lonely nights at home, when you have watched yet another movie from EVOZONE without a nice bar of chocolate it is hard to concentrate...so now I'm battling with the voice inside my head that says fizzy drinks will rot my teeth and chocolate will just keep the pounds flowing into the bank...let's be completely honest, all the good things in life are bad for us...and all the bad things (like 30 hard, cruel minutes of excerise) are good...I don't like to induldge in bad things, but I simply can't refuse a sweet tasting chocolate to accompany me through the night...and so as of today, I have decided, new blog, new start...I am saying farewell to chocolate and fizzy drinks...wish me luck x